once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The Olympian is in my bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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