She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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