omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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