Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
