I've blown a few things in my day
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are two peas in an std pod
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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