Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
