I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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