I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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