If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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