I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
