Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We are two peas in an std pod
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
