you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Alive.
So much puke
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i think my cat just said my name.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
