mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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