I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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