i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She even gives head with a lisp.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
