I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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