Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
