So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My vagina just clenched in fear
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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