I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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