I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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