stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
