I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
