Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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