What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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