tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
