We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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