If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
