Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
