someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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