the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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