Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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