yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
