Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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