After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
