i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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