somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
