after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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