Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it because I queefed?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
