If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
