He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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