I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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