Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
this hospital has no fireball
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
