I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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