Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
