Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
