I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
