My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
