you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Randomize
