I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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