So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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