tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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