I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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