So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
