brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
