my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
