they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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