Soap is not a condiment
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
