remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
