I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize