You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
