Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
